Lifestyle
A Smile is a Good Cover Up
Part i: i WASN'T FULLY TRANSPARENT
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*The whole thing about being transparent…well I didn’t share the full scope. That’s in Part II. I still don’t know if I am sharing that for me or someone out there that needs it.
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Part II: Full Transparency
I should be happy
But, I found myself in my bathroom holding back tears…I don’t cry. I figure sh*t out and keep it pushing. I sent my daughter to Minnesota for the summer under the guise of wanting a #HotMomSummer. Full transparency, I didn’t want her to see me falling apart and I don’t even know why I am so sad. In the middle of a gym session, hanging out with friends, at dance class, I keep finding myself drifting into myself and fighting not to fall apart; then I snap back. I want to yell, scream, cry, but I force a smile, make a joke, and keep on about my day. I couldn’t do it Friday. After the Acorns articled being republished and featured on the homepage, two virtual speaking events, and one live with a full production team, I feel apart.
When I moved to Georgia ten years ago, I left my houses…HOUSES! I owned two homes at 24. I wanted to buy a house, so I did it. Then I was running from an abusive relationship (my teen and early 20’s left me with visible scars, but the ones unseen, the mental and emotional ones, were/are the worst), so I bought a new house. I let me ex keep my first house. That’s how much I wanted out. I only knew how to keep pushing with or without support. I moved out my mom’s house when I was 16 and figured life out (sometimes in the worse ways). The problem with always being on go with no brakes, is that eventually the engine needs a break, or it dies. That’s how I found myself last Friday, hanging onto my sink, trying to breath. The last three weeks have been too triggering. And, as bad as it sounds, my daughter is my anchor. When she’s around, I can’t fall apart. I put a lot of value in being her mom.
I speak to my mom, maybe, 4-5 times/year. My daughter has been in Minnesota for two months. My mom hasn’t seen her since 2018. She still hasn’t seen her, hasn’t called her, nothing (Trigger one). My dad’s making his every 7-10 year appearance (Trigger two). Interacting with people that are toxic af and should be blocked (Trigger three). Another family issue (Trigger four). An influx of messages from strangers asking me if they can “pick my brain” (essentially asking me to provide free labor). I fell apart. And, falling apart feels like failure.
I was, still am, terrified of failure, but I did fail. I failed myself. I didn’t go back to therapy. I just covered everything up with a smile.
So, I am taking a real break.
P.S. The articles, podcasts, interviews, speaking engagements only tell a piece of my story. I appreciate everyone that has reached out to tell me how inspiring it is to hear about my success as a small business. I’m still working. I’m still growing. Thanks for reading this part of my story.